If I didn't have a live dove in my pants right now, I'd leap across the table and...

Boy oh boy, I'll just dive right in.

This week I started a new semester at ASU. Things have been crazy since a new load of Freshman were dumped on campus. Clothing appears to be unpopular these days.. unless you own a neon, highlighter-colored shirt that juxtaposes awesomely against your impossibly brown skin, then you're fine.

I passed some younger girls on campus today and this was their conversation:

"So Jessica totally gave me this look, but I know that look and she's totally jealous. I mean, I'm not trying to be rude, but she doesn't work out and I do. So..."

I wish I was making this up, honestly.

Also, while on campus, I was in line at the Jamba Juice avoiding the heat. A gang of sun devils lined up behind me-- the fellas were large, extremely muscular-- but the type of muscular that doesn't make sense because they still have baby faces. The girls were...typical. Their conversation topic of choice was absolutely disgusting and degrading, so I did what I always do in this kind of situation: I turned my head and gave the up and down look.. real sassy on my part. One of the fellas responds:

"She totally checked me out, haha dude she wanted this."

Awesome.

Today I was driving to the gym and happened to be behind a huge, black truck that had a sticker on the rear window that said: Nasty Boyz Drive Nasty Toyz

Yesterday while at the gym a slender guy with a sparse mustache approached me while I was on the rowing machine.

Guy: "Might I suggest some moves that will allow for a more explosive workout?"

Me: "Of course you can."

I started a new class last night that is FIVE HOURS LONG. Yes, five hours. The professor (who I can only describe as a flamboyant, cartoon polar bear) wears girl sandals and doesn't cut his toe nails.. ever. I can't even begin to tell you how disturbing this becomes after FIVE HOURS.

Today I was sitting in my room doing my makeup. I opened up the blinds to let all the sunlight in so that I could blend everything perfectly (I realize how this sounds, but it's absolutely true). While applying my makeup I was also in a robe and my hair was wrapped in a towel, as per usual. Suddenly, I realized that a man is standing outside my window, just a couple feet away from me, trimming the tree. I forgot the landscaper was coming today. We had this brief moment of acknowledging the fact that he shouldn't be seeing me and I sprang to close the blinds. Only a minute passed and I opened them back up.. I refuse to do my makeup under false lighting. The landscaper seemed confused.

Last story. Cockroaches in Arizona aren't like cockroaches everywhere else. Down here they waltz into houses during the day and delight in showing themselves to humans. A few days ago I found myself trapped in the kitchen with a cockroach at each exit. I'm not joking. I literally stood in the same spot for 20 minutes until my roommate got home and killed the cockroaches with her shoe. Her SHOE! They hissed.. it was awful.

AND scene.