Luxury in the Sky

Romulus, Michigan (CNN) -- Part of an explosive device that failed to take down a plane last week was sewn into the underwear of the Nigerian man accused of igniting it, a law enforcement official told CNN Monday.

Thank you Nigerian terrorist for now requiring all airline passengers to remove any underwear before boarding. 

I wish I could have had a talk with Nigerian terrorist before he boarded the plane, it would have gone something like this:

Me: "Hey Guy."

Nigerian Terrorist: "How's it going."

Me: "Can you believe this security..ridiculous."

N.T.: "Seriously, who are they kidding.  Look at what I'm packing (shows me explosive underwear) Hahaha, they'll never know!"

Security: "You're good to go!"

Me: "Yeah..here's the thing, if you explode the plane then you die too."

N.T.: "What?! Not possible."

Me: "No it's true, you'd explode like everyone else."

N.T.: "It's because I'm black isn't it? That's racist."

Me: "I don't think you, as a terrorist, can pull the racist card in this situation."

N.T.: "You just called me a racist terrorist."

Security: "Ma'am we are going to have to ask you to get off the plane."

Me: "Why?"

Security: "Yeah.. you called him a racist terrorist so.."

Me: "Can I take some complimentary pretzels to go?"

Security: "No, those are for first-class passengers only. You do however, have the option of choosing either this individually wrapped prune or an economy-sized bag of sesame seeds."

Me: "Are the sesame seeds toasted?"

Security: "No."

Me: "I'll have the prune."

N.T.: "My personal favorite."

For Everyone on Christmas Eve...

I know I've posted this video before, but it says Merry Christmas better than I ever could:

The Spirit of the Season

Today I walked past a garbage can and tossed in my empty hot chocolate cup and walked away. I was then informed quite angrily that it was not a garbage can but instead a food donation bin.

Merry Christmas!

Jane Lynch has done it again:

Oh and while reading through my travel journal recently I came upon the few pages I documented of Anna and I in Maine this past summer. I recall this special quote of Anna reacting to the overwhelming amount of angry mostquitos and flies, she said this with conviction: "EVERYTHING JUST HAS TO BACK AWAY FROM ME RIGHT OKAY!!!"

A few seconds after that I came in with a: "Son of a ***** they're everywhere!"

We ran--slapping the air with a vindictive fury that mother nature never saw coming.

an update

I've put some more artwork up on my other blog.

I feel like I've kind of abandoned the art process for the past couple of months with a lot of changes consuming my time/mind---but I'm antsy to get going again and I have some ideas that I'm pretty excited about.  

Hopefully my other blog will get more attention from me in the future.  a

...Yes.

Anna gave me the best present ever by introducing me to this website: awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Here's a delightful sample:

...I can't even begin to imagine where this dream couple met. The guy looks like SNL's Horatio Sanz.

These are real inventions:

For parents with cruel intentions:

"Dad Saddle"
--I can't figure out the age of this child in the saddle.


"Baby Cage"


"Cry No More"
"Bulletproof Buttocks"
--This one I like purely for the anatomically correct illustration.

"Travel Relief"

--Don't worry, the guy in the car next to you with his pants pulled down isn't a perv, he's just going to the bathroom.

"Bag Man"

--I can't even....

These next two inventions are for those of us who struggle with golf and need an easy and fast alternative to the traditional approach:

"Golf Made Easy"

"Web of Intrigue"

Visit the Patently Absurb Archive for more incredible inventions. And if I've learned one thing...it's this: Absolutely Anyone can invent Anything and someone will give it a patent.

Saturday Night: In 3D

How do you kick off the month of December?  A 3D Christmas movie and a pair of really cool shades:

If I wanted to laugh forever...

I'd have a dinner party and invite two of my favorite people:

Oh the Holidays.

Hey Mom, I found some really neat ornaments for our Christmas tree this year:

Washington D.C.

I had the great pleasure and opportunity of joining one of my dearest friends, Allison, on a trip to Washington D.C.  We were fortunate enough to have another dear friend, Mallory, drive across from Ohio to meet up with us for a few days to enjoy the sights.  

I can't describe the amount of love and appreciation that filled my entire embodiment and soul as I walked the historic streets and museums. And so, rather than me writing gibberish, I'll show you through some pictures taken sporadically when I was focused and not in a stupor of complete awe (I ended up with very few-- unfortunately):

"America is a passionate idea or it is nothing.  America is a human brotherhood or it is chaos."  ~Max Lerner, Actions and Passions, 1949

Yes, I can draw you.

Having been an art student myself, I find this graph to be notably accurate:

Thank you Justin for this hilarious and correct find.

Great Commercial:

Happy Halloween!!!...even to kitty lovers.

This post is for Emily Jean Bateman.

A Text Message:

The other day Anna and I texted out of boredom.  This is what was said between the two of us in all seriousness: 

Anna: "What are you doing? I'm trying to write that stupid essay...obviously I'm distracted."

Amy: "I'm at the mall with that lady...how's the essay coming along anyway?"

Anna: "Oh I see.  She sure shops a lot. The essay is fine I guess."

Amy: "You'll do fine, don't sweat it.  I'm bored."

Anna: "Me too, and I need to find a bathroom."

Amy: "Haha, me too!  But I'm shy in public restrooms."

Amy (again): "I hate the mall! I'm here every day with this lady!  I feel like Veronica Lodge...minus the whole Archie thing, he was never attractive to me."

Anna: "Hmm for some reason I had a thing for Archie.  Maybe I was just fascinated with his hair.  Reggie is probably the best looking but kind of a d-bag and Jughead's nose is disgusting."

Amy: "Archie's hair is too crazy for me and he's not funny at all.  I've always found Jughead's nose and style somewhat alluring."

Anna: "Just like Adrian Brody?"

Amy: "YES! He's Jughead come to life! I'll tell ya who I don't like: Betty. Boring and NOT funny."

Anna: "I've always felt that she might be a lesbian."

Amy: "Yeah, I'm suspicious of that."

*Just in case you don't know who Archie and the gang are (except Laura, I know you know) here is a picture:  

Yep...Anna and I have full on, very serious conversations about our favorite comic book characters.  Oh the humanity.

Why I Don't Do Haunted Houses

I don't know how I was talked in to going to a haunted house yesterday, but it happened.  I've managed to stay away from those kind of places my whole life until last night.  I love Halloween, in fact I adore it, but I tend to stay away from the disgusting side of Halloween that I knew would await me behind the Nightmare on 13th castle doors.

First mistake:  Deciding to wear all black in an attempt to blend in with the night and go unseen.  It doesn't work, in fact it made me more of a target if anything.

Second mistake:  Being child-sized, another major target.

Third mistake:  Accidently apologizing to anything that made me scream...I don't know why I did and it only encouraged worse behavior out of the employees.

Fourth mistake:  Breathing in the air.  I'm convinced I've picked up the first-ever airborne STD.

Fifth mistake:  Not having a fight or flight response when threatened...good news: instead, my defense is to freeze up and put my head down. 

Alls I knows is that my instinct about the haunted house craze is correct.  I'll stick to the children's Halloween. 

To my fans,

I have a few skeletons in my closet (don't worry Ma, nothing too scary). Anyway, I've decided to share one of my darker and more shameful secrets with my readers:

Aside from nouns, I don't know squat about Verbs, Adverbs, Adjectives, Pronouns, and anything else in that realm of grammar knowledge.  Sure I can pull a decent sentence together and definitely recognize grammatical errors, but if I am approached with one of those stupid activity papers with a silly paragraph that requires you to fill in blanks with an adjective, pronoun, etc. to make it fun and hilarious..I'll panic, I'll just freak out inside.

Who knows why I'm 23 and still cannot define these...what would you even call them?  Oh man. All I do know is that without truly understanding this subject I've managed to roll through elementary school, junior high/high school, college, and I'm on my way to graduate school.  So this either says something about our schooling system or that I'm secretly a genius.  I'll accept the latter.  

I'll be sure to buckle down and really understand all of this before I head off to grad school in a few months.  I have to.

Sincerely,

Amy

Better with age

Last night I went to a BYU soccer game to watch a long time friend play in the match.  The game was fun despite the fact that I was in Provo...and it was 5 degrees.  However, I did manage to catch a couple of wonderful conversations between two old women.  These were my favorites:

Old Woman #1:  "What is that girl wearing?!"

Old Woman #2:  "Half of the girls here look like they're wearing garbage sacks."

O.W.#2:  "Where is that Mexican one from?" (referring to one of the Latino-looking players)

O.W. #1:  "He's from Brazil."

O.W. #2:  "It's crisp in the air."

O.W. #1:  "What'd you say? Did you say Christmas? What are you saying?"

O.W. #2: "Crisp."

O.W.#1: "Like potato crisps?"

O.W.#2: "What?"

O.W.#1: "Yes."

Errands

The other day I made a quick trip to Target, the big one off of Fort Union. I couldn't find what I needed and so, as usual when I enter large stores, I became confused, scared and turned around. My first thought was to look for a Target helper, which means: look for someone in red. Apparently, in my mind, anybody--just anybody wearing red was a Target employee. With that thought in mind I had asked some random non-Target employee for help. This lady didn't inform me of my mistake so I managed to drag this poor woman all the way across the store away from her cart of things that I assumed was merchandise that needed shelving, it wasn't. She played her role well as fake employee. It took some time for me to put the puzzle pieces together but I finally did when I saw her again at the checkout line. All I can say is that it was awkward and out of awkwardness I tipped my imaginary hat at her in an attempt to apologize. She didn't get it, neither did I. Oh Amy.

Too much information

Everyone once in a while I forget to hook up my ipod in my car for listening pleasure. When this happens I'll usually turn to the classical station (89.1) because really, all other radio stations are embarrassing.

Yesterday I was in the car listening to the classical station when one of the radio guys with a voice to match that of a peeping-tom came on and proceeded to tell us listeners why we should support and donate to 89.1. This is how he sold it:

"Imagine this: Imagine that you wake up in the morning and Johann Sebastian Bach is holding your hand, greeting you with the morning light. Just imagine. Imagine a Mister Franz Joseph Haydn pouring you a bowl of cheerios, and some milk. Further imagine yourself delighted with the presence of Beethoven who--while driving you to work--decides to pull over and tickle your senses with a bold virtuoso. While at work you notice that Schubert has made you lunch and it's more than you could have ever asked for. After a long day of work you come home to Johann Nepomuk Hummel pouring you a glass of wine and "V"olfgang Amadeus Motzart rubbing your shoulders. Imagine all those things and more, this is Classical 89.1."

I closed my eyes, dropped my head, and longed for the return of my innocence.

Albi The Racist Dragon

Maybe it's because I'm up way past my bedtime, or maybe because clay animation instantly makes me hysterical with laughter (and hungry)....but I haven't laughed this hard in a long time:

Happy Birthday Bry (yesterday)

What a guy!
You really are the best brother Bryan, I love you!!!

The Todays Show Has Real News.

I don't think I've ever seen such an awkward interview as this:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

*The end of the interview really spirals out of control.

P.S. Let's stop naming our pets "Lucky." What does this even mean? He's lucky to be a turtle with coasters for feet? I bet he chewed off his own feet listening to his owner speak.

Tuesday morning:

I stole this from my cousin Jonathan's blog who stole it from our cousin Sarah:

I am inspired by: My siblings

I always: Make my bed, priority #1. 

I like: Morbid things.  Guilty.

I never leave home without: A comb and sanitary wipes in my purse.

I can't believe I: Attempted a fight club at a local gym...oh my small bones and muscles.

I melt: Cheese--on everything despite my intolerance to lactose.

I find myself:  Using my art degree.  

I feel uncomfortable: In clothes.

I have decided: That anyone can get away with almost anything if they are attractive.

I am free when: I go on walks with my mom, we are good walking buddies.

I can cry: When Pam Bishop gives me a hug, never fails.

I will: Probably eat a tomato and chicken today as per usual.

I dream of: Egypt and shaking a mummies hand. 

I am digging: Myself into holes and corners in the singles ward.  You've never seen anyone so awkward.

Most of the time I: Assume inanimate objects have feelings, truly.

I can't help: Over-washing my hands.  It's a curse.

I remain enamored with: Space.

I can't:  Swim in lakes, I just can't.

I need: To carry more cash in my wallet.

I want: To explore the underground catacombs in France, spooky!

It's strange that I: Refuse to wear earrings ever again.  This is a guarantee.

If I could, I would: Learn to fly airplanes.  I probably will someday.

I: Won't tolerate down town Salt Lake and I will not to go there after dark.

Technology & Me

Do you remember this guy?

His name is Teddy Ruxpin, a toy from the 80s. He came with a book that he read aloud while his mouth moved and his eyes blinked. I chose to ignore the cassett tape built into his back and the overwhelming electro-chemical smells fuming from his battery pack because to me he was completely alive. This was it for me--technology at its peak.

It's now 2009 and I have a huge technological dilemma, Facebook: to join or not to join?  Eh--I was a facebookee a couple of years ago but after many hours wasted on the egotistical network of self indulgence I cancelled my account and never looked back...until recently.  Obviously it's a great way to stay in contact with people you would otherwise never hear from, and where else would I find out that Anna bought the Queen Mary?  

The other thing is that I'm a Campbell and thus my pride overrules logic.  Of course I should just rejoin and be done with it but then people will say "hey I knew you'd come back," stuff like that.  This is what prevents me from joining more than anything.  

So I guess what I'm asking is this:  Is facebook really worth the effort and upkeep?  Does it really improve our lives?  Or maybe I'm just better off without it.  I've survived two years and I could keep going.  What I would give for my Teddy Ruxpin to come back to life and guide me through this world of invasive technological advances.  What say ye of facebook my faithful readers (meaning Mallory and Laura)?

Hold your horses.

Today I used a public restroom clearly marked "women."  I came out and a man asked me if anyone else was in there and proceeded to walk in despite my efforts to make clear that the men's bathroom was right in front of him.  I'm so confused.

A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way..

I highly dislike the color orange and I'm certain that it has to do with the fact that in my mind orange correlates directly with road construction.  Today while driving that was all I saw. Everywhere I looked I beheld an orange cone accompanied by a "slow" sign and arrows pointing me across all lanes of traffic to confront oncoming drivers equally enraged. Ridiculous.    

Why do we put up with this?  I'll tell you why: nobody ever questions or protests the orange cone.  In our world of dependancy on the law and politics most people never even stop and rethink why we do the things we do as a society.  I can almost guarantee that if I were to line a whole bunch of orange cones on a road leading off a cliff with arrows directing the way-- several cars would be at the bottom.  I recall an episode of The Office where Michael drives a car into a lake because his GPS car navigator tells him to do so.  Let's not be like Michael.  

I'm not suggesting that we break laws and run over orange cones (I'm not a criminal),  rather I'm suggesting that we evaluate why we follow certain orders and make sure that we aren't blindly led off cliffs or into lakes. 

Questions are a good thing and I don't ask nearly enough.

Happy Birthday Mom!

This woman is amazing.  

Thanks for all that you do Mom, I love you.

Technology & Me

Do you remember this guy?

His name is Teddy Ruxpin, a toy from the 80s. He came with a book that he read aloud while his mouth moved and his eyes blinked. I chose to ignore the cassett tape built into his back and the overwhelming electro-chemical smells fuming from his battery pack because to me he was completely alive. This was it for me--technology at its peak.

It's now 2009 and I have a huge technological dilemma, Facebook: to join or not to join?  Eh--I was a facebookee a couple of years ago but after many hours wasted on the egotistical network of self indulgence I cancelled my account and never looked back...until recently.  Obviously it's a great way to stay in contact with people you would otherwise never hear from, and where else would I find out that Anna bought the Queen Mary?  

The other thing is that I'm a Campbell and thus my pride overrules logic.  Of course I should just rejoin and be done with it but then people will say "hey I knew you'd come back," stuff like that.  This is what prevents me from joining more than anything.  

So I guess what I'm asking is this:  Is facebook really worth the effort and upkeep?  Does it really improve our lives?  Or maybe I'm just better off without it.  I've survived two years and I could keep going.  What I would give for my Teddy Ruxpin to come back to life and guide me through this world of invasive technological advances.  What say ye of facebook my faithful readers (meaning Mallory and Laura)?

I love my dog.

*Photo--courtesy of my sister

The times they are a changing.

Today was the first day of school for most college students (including this boogie) and the first day since I was 3 years old that I didn't have to go back to school.  So instead I woke up at 5 am for a spinning class.  5 am.  Anyone who knows me probably has figured out by now that I don't really acknowledge the day until about 10 am because any earlier and I'm a zombie.  

Spinning was hilarious/fun and I made a new group of friends:  Diane, Rose, Dave, Bill, Babs, and Jerry.  All over the age of 60 but young at heart.  We talked about our grandchildren, retirement, the absurdity of the Home Towne Buffet going out of business, and the cost of movies these days.  We have so much in common.  

The rest of my day was spent sweating over grad school applications which seem to be increasing in size rather than diminishing.  If someone finds me perched in a tree-- throwing ferbies at mailboxes and singing Backstreet Boys songs, don't be alarmed, I've only gone crazy.

So far I feel like I'm in a halfway house between school and school so...eh, I'll just spin my way on a stationary bike to the next level of excitement with my new gang:  The Retirementalities. 

childhood dilemma

Was anyone else really disappointed as a child when you would eat a tootsie pop to get to the tootsie roll center but in it's place there was gum? That drove me NUTS.

Wow, okay... 

This very moment (as I'm writing this) just realized that I was probably eating a blow pop instead of a tootsie pop. Well that changes everything.

Speaking of blow pops, what was with the wrapper? It took ten years to remove it from the sucker so you could put the darn thing in your mouth and then the surprise was gum, GUM for crying out loud! Idiots.

Richard Simmons and the Silver Foxes

yes.

It's been a while since I've seen this:

So much good came out of this movie.  Por ejemplo:

Chunk: Listen, okay? You guys'll never believe me. There was two cop cars, okay? And they were chasing this four-wheel deal, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw! 
Mikey: More amazing than the time Michael Jackson come over to your house to use the bathroom. 
Brandon Walsh: More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right? 
Mouth: Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather's pizza, right? 
Chunk: Okay, Brand. Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. He was about to. But his sister did. 

Andy: I can't tell... if it's an "A sharp" or if it's a "B flat"! 
Mikey: Heh, if you hit the wrong note, we'll all "B flat!" 

I was just thinking...

It's ironic that in PARK City there is never any place to PARK.

I swear every time I go to Park City it is the struggle of my life. Yesterday I was in that beloved city with my friends celebrating a birthday and we had a great time but much of that time was spent turning corners in parking lots only to be confronted with signs saying in bolded red:

"ARTIST CONVENTION PARKING ONLY. IF YOU AREN'T AN ARTIST--AND WE'RE GUESSING YOU ARE NOT--THEN WE WON'T LET YOU PARK HERE BECAUSE WE ONLY GIVE PARKING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE ARTSY AND WEAR SCARVES IN THE SUMMER. OH BY THE WAY WE RESERVED EVERY PARKING LOT FROM HERE TO DEER VALLEY SO DEAL WITH IT.  ONE MORE THING, THE GUY IN THE ORANGE VEST MONITORING THE PARKING TAKES HIS JOB VERY SERIOUSLY AND WILL SHOOT YOU POINT BLANK IF NECESSARY."

My other favorite:

"$100,000,000.00 FINE IF YOU ARE CAUGHT PARKING IN PUBLIC PARKING WHERE THE PUBLIC IS ALLOWED TO PARK."

and this:

"30 SECOND PARKING ONLY."

Oh but I got them good, I did multiple illegal u-turns within the Park City boundaries...multiple.

Speak.

The other day I overheard Anna talking to our dog, the conversation went something like this:

Anna: "Hey Greeley!"

Greeley: --

Anna: "You know what Greeley..."

Greeley: --

Anna: "Life is a roller coaster of ups and downs but it's one heck of a ride."

Greeley: --


Sweet kid.

Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.

I hate commercials but I love this one:


I have a feeling I'm going to have a child like that.

Spooky

Some of you may know my deep and loving relationship with the sci-fi channel series Ghost Hunters. For those of you who may not have realized how nerdy I truly am...well now you know and I'm okay with this.

Let me just tell you how excited I get about Ghost Hunters: You know that feeling you get right before you step on a ride at Disneyland? Or how about the excitement of seeing your food headed toward your table at a restaurant? All of these joyful feelings and more hardly compare to the geeky elation I feel right before a new episode of Ghost Hunters begins. To take it even further, I'll admit to having turned down dates in the past because they were on the same night as the show. I try not to do that anymore.

Indulge in my weirdness and watch this clip from one of the episodes. I want to share with you my love of all things paranormal and in this clip you'll learn the importance of the infrared camera during ghost hunting (stick it out until the end and you'll see a ghost).

No judging.

Lighthouse Jubilees

I found this gem posted on the door of a convenience store in Canada.

Ouch, my eyes.

There are two things that are guaranteed to make me sick to my stomach:

1. Some dairy products

2. Ellen Degeneres dancing

Now don't get me wrong, the girl is funny but the second she starts to pop and lock I run in the opposite direction...woof.  Watch the clip below and notice how her dancing gets increasingly disgusting as she gets closer to her chair.  Oh the humanity!

Birthday Dinner

Here are some lovely photos of Allison's little birthday dinner. As you can see there aren't very many of us since our friend group has decreased. Katherine now lives in Kentucky, Mallory was away looking for a house in Ohio, and Catie on a mission in Korea. Oh well, we still had fun.

Anna made these awesome candle holders. Her craftiness is comparable to Martha Stewart.
Also, here's a picture of Daisy when I brought her home from the vet after she had a minor claw removal surgery...if you can even call it that. However, I was so worried when I took her to the vet that I packed her a sack lunch with her favorite treats and believe me I was laughed at.

I'm seeing this movie tonight at midnight:

I only do it for Professor Snape.

Happy Birthday A-top!

Just a little shout out to one of my dearest and oldest friends on her birthday.  

Allison is one of the coolest people I know and here are some numbered reasons why I think so:

1. She has class, real class.  

2. Clothes fit her perfectly, she could wear a potato sack and make it look good.

3. She laughs at all my dorky comments constantly making me feel like a hilarious person.

4. Freshman year of college she ate an entire cake all by herself in one sitting thinking nothing of it.  Shocking, but truly amazing and of course she didn't gain one ounce of fat...I think I did from watching.

5. She puts 110% into everything she does.

6. Hosts amazing dinner parties.

7. She's on my top 5 list of best back scratchers.  

8. Always has mine and other's best interests at heart.

9. Extremely funny but in a random and sarcastic way, genius.

10. Even after 18 years of friendship we always have a fabulous time together.

I love you Atop, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Maine

Instead of posting the many pictures Anna and I took while in Maine, I decided to post only farm animal pictures and the special moments I shared with them, enjoy:

This was the only llama on the farm.  He and Anna despised one another...in fact, I recall overhearing Anna telling him to "adjust his attitude..." something like that.  Hilarious. 

Lobster.  I ate him, delicious.

A typical day of what I looked like the entire trip, an animal.  But check out the patriotic town of Lubec Maine behind me!

I LOVED the baby chicks, so sweet.

These guys were the life of the party.

My aunt and uncle's dog, Tippi:

Their other dog, Guapa:

My little cousin Eliza with one of the farm dogs, Gracie.  Gracie is easily the fattest dog I've ever seen.

That's my hand.  The calves love to suck on fingers, kind of gross but actually really cute.

Obviously I'm telling this calf something but I can't remember what I said.

We wrapped up our trip in Massachusetts.  Here I am in Boston on the 4th of July with perhaps my favorite animal of all, Anna.